What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
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Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
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You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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