Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
