I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
