I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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