yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
