My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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