My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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