The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
