While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
