Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
