I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
