Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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