It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Randomize
