at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
