You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
