i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
