dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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