I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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