using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
