dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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