I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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