Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
