just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
