Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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