Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
it hurts more in the daytime
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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