I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i came on her dog
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
