If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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