he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
