I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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