Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It was confusing and full of hummus
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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