I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
