your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
