I can feel you judging me through the phone.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
