i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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