where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
