Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
