ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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