I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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