just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
