The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
