We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
