did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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