I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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