I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
