Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
