He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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