tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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