His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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