I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
