we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
