You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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