I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
