just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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