don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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