She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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