Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
