He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
