I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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